Not a day goes by where I don’t think about my grandma.   I can’t even escape the memories in my dreams.   It’s all day, everyday, non stop contemplation about her, her sickness, why she did what she did, what I could have done to stop her and even worse, what I did to contribute to her sadness.  I should have gone to church.  I should have shaken out the old curtains like she asked so many times.  Maybe I should have gotten tested for CMT like she asked me too, or at least taken her CMT more seriously.   Gone over more to help with the laundry.  Listened.   Maybe the once a week dinners weren’t enough.  Maybe I should have gone over more.   

Since Robin Williams took is own life, I have had to hear everyone’s opinion on suicide, depression and anxiety.   I suffer from all of the that myself.   I have attempted to take my own life.  And I thank God everyday for my failure in that.  I can understand how someone could be low enough to want it to just end.  I don’t know Robin Williams, but I did know my grandmother.  I know that since the day she was born, she was ill.   She never took a good deep breath.  She suffered from so many different illnesses that restricted her physical health.  She could never go for runs, ride a bike, go for a long hike.  At the young age of 12, she had to move to a orphanage, not because her father couldn’t take care of her, but because it was across the street from the hospital.   If a speck of dust landed in her room, she would have trouble breathing.  The doctors didn’t expect her to live past the age of 15.  But she fought.   Hard.  She made a life for herself.   Got married, had children, went on vacations. Volunteered for several organizations  She was a warrior.  

When she was diagnosed with CMT, it started her downfall. CMT is a disease that eats away at your muscles, much like MS.  All the while leaving your feet and hands with a 24/7 burning itchy sensation.  The only way to stop the pain is placing your hands and feet in a bucket of cold water.   She couldn’t walk, and had trouble lifting things, and on top of that, she had her per-existing COPD, making it EXTREMELY difficult to breath. 

This was just a normal day, this doesn’t include the times she had a cold or the flu.  

She just wanted to be free.   To stop being sick.   She wanted to run and play, and dance and sing.  

I’m not mad at her for doing what she did.   I don’t blame her.  But man I miss her.  

1. If you had to choose between vacationing in Thailand or Ireland, which one would it be?

Ireland

2. Essie or OPI?

um….

3. Who do you think should run for president in two years?

Beyonce

4. What’s the best book you’ve read so far this year?

Gone Girl

5. Truly, H&M or Forever 21?

H&M. Easy.

6. Would you rather get lunch with Gillian Flynn or J.K. Rowling?

Gillian Flynn

7. What’s your most embarrassing childhood memory?

The day I was reading in front of the class, and I read “orgasm” in stead of “organism”… so bad.

8. If you had the option of adopting a baby fox or baby koala, which one would you choose?

Baby Koala.  No contest

9. What’s your dream job?

Professional fashion photographer.

10. Who is your favorite mythological god/goddess?

Athena- I even have an owl on my shoulder

11. What would be your last meal?

Macaroni and Cheese

12. If you had to choose between using Internet Explorer forever, or permanently using an AOL e-mail address, which one would it be?

AOL E-mail address

13. If you could either be a duck or an owl, which would you be?

Owl

14. What do you love about yourself most?

My ability to sympathize with someone.

15. Cheetos Puffs, regular Cheetos, or Flaming Hot Cheetos?

Cheetos!

16. Rugrats or Doug?

Rugrats… Im not a savage...

17. Which house would you belong to in Game of Thrones? Like, very honestly.

I don’t watch that show.

18. If you got a (new) tattoo, what would it be of?

Im getting a self portrait of myself dressed like a pin-up girl tattooed on my left rip cage.  Complete with a Boston Terrier in my arms.

19. Who are your top three lady heroes?

Jennifer Aniston, my Grandmother and myself

20. If you had to be on a reality TV show, which one would you choose?

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.

21. Who has influenced you the most?

There isnt one person.  I am lucky enough to be surrounded with so many great people.

22. What are your favorite lyrics?

"Don’t be a hard rock when you really are a gem"

23. Stretchy jeans or jeggings?

Stretchy jeans.

24. On the first day of ruling the world, what would you do?

Make coffee free

25. If you were forced to open a bakery, what would you name it?

The hot buns.

26. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done on a date?

I attempted to do the worm.  Luckily he liked it. 

27. What do you hope to achieve by 50?

Marriage, Dogs, House.

28. What has been your best moment this year (so far)?

The day I found myself again.

29. Would you rather be stuck in traffic for two hours, or have Chipotle run out of guacamole?

Stuck in traffic.

30. Why are you so amazing?!

I dunno!